I know you will hear some people say they’re best friends with their teen or their teen tells them everything. I’m here to tell you that this is not typical. When I was a teen I felt that I was never heard or trusted to be myself. I felt that if someone else made a mistake then I was expected to make that same mistake. It made me want to live my own life as soon as I possibly could.
I have a child who is almost an adult. He has been struggling a lot. Just recently he’s been trying to reach out to his biological father and even took a DNA test in hopes of one day connecting with ANYONE from that side of the family. You see, his adoptive father decided it wasn’t worth helping him through his struggles. He was failing class after class and through therapy we realized all he wanted was to be seen & heard by a father. He grew close to a few male role models in his life but he still has that void of never having a father truly be there for him.
Now, this boy has totally tested me. He’s made up lies about me to the point where some adults believed I was that way. He helped destroy my relationship with other adults. But, if those other adults took what he said at face value that’s on them. I was told some absolutely horrible things about them but at the end of the day my relationship with another adult is between me & that adult. No one outside of US is going to affect it. I think this is why I have such strong friendships with those that matter to me and why drama seems to only be something I watch. Children WILL lie about you as their parent. They’re not emotionally ready to look at themselves & realize they are the problem. That’s okay. It’s our job as adults to let them learn & help guide them. I don’t hold it against my son that he’s said some absolutely horrible things about me. For instance, he knows his father did not want me having any men in our home after our separation. So, he made sure to tell his father that I had multiple men over the house. He made sure to say he heard things. He made sure to say anything and everything that would get the focus off of him making mistakes and onto the person his father hated the most, me.
I’ve always been the one who is there for my son though, to the point where when he turns 18 he’s been given my blessing of changing his name to whatever he wants, even if it’s not the name I chose for him. He has decided that since my side of the family has always been there for him he will take my maiden name as his last name. He has also chosen a first name that he’s never heard someone use to insult him or ridicule him for being a child. Children make mistakes. It’s what they do! They’re given to us to prepare for adulthood.
My teenager has made multiple friends who are all deciding on their own walks of life. He’s been spending quite a bit of time just sitting at a park or going for a drive with friends as they figure out what they want to do with their adult lives. It’s my job to allow him to have this time to find his authentic self, not steer him to the path I wish I took. Far too often us parents think we should send our kids the way we wished we did, or the way we did.
As a mother of a teenager I have quite a few teenager parents I know. These people have their own views of how their child should “adult.” I know one is sending her child to the college she attended but never graduated from. Another is sending his son to the college he is an alumni from. I’m here to tell you…while it is possible your child WANTS to go to school where you went, they probably don’t have it as their first choice. You need to LISTEN to your child and not just give them the positives about what their life would be like if they did what you wanted.
My son has contemplated going into the military. The thing is, when I truly listen to him he actually does not want to go. It’s only after two other adults in his life step in that he realizes it’s a good option. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel that he would thrive in the military. However, he’s very musical and wants to create music. He has this fire in his eyes when he discusses his music with our one neighbor, or when he has me listen to him sing with friends. He’s been teaching himself how to play the guitar and keyboard and the songs that come out of his room are amazing.
Everyone knows by now I like to throw in some knowledge…so, here are some statistics you should know as a parent:
Frequent family meals are associated with higher self-esteem and positive academic outcomes, as well as decreased depression, alcohol and substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, and violent behavior. Adolescents who join three or more family meals each week also have healthier eating patterns, including greater consumption of fruits, vegetables, and vitamins, and reduced likelihood of eating unhealthy foods, among other outcomes. Girls in particular are less likely to have disordered eating patterns.
Asian & Hispanic families are more likely to have meals together as a family. Families with income BELOW the poverty level are more likely to have near-daily family meals.
Now, my husband & I both have very exhausting work schedules so we’ve made a plan where we either use crockpot meals or we have a kid “help” us make dinners. We know their strengths & weaknesses with what they can or can’t make and we allow them to pick the days of the week they’re helping us with. So often it’s not even 30 minutes of work but we get to have that one on one time. I feel like this is KEY to connecting with my kids at any age. They love to share stories at dinner time and for years we’ve all shared our “highs, lows, and gratitudes” while at the table. It’s usually my 11 year old daughter starting it, which is amazing to me because she’s not always a fan of talking in front of her siblings.
Now, I’m a mother who had a dad that worked 80+ hour work weeks but he still attempted to make it to our games, concerts, etc. I realized during a marriage that I definitely had some skewed expectations of my partner. As I’ve started working on this blog and raising children as a single parent, I realized there are many more resources to try and get fathers to be involved in the lives of their children. There’s sites like the National Fatherhood Initiative trying to make sure children have 24/7 dads. There’s the National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse to try and make sure fathers have resources to be strong for their families and children. There’s The Father’s Rights Movement who help alienated fathers get involved in their children’s lives. I’m realizing that the men who aren’t involved in their children’s daily lives are usually not involved by choice. Yes, there are some instances where the mother alienates her children but if there’s a history of abuse, deceit, etc sometimes that choice is warranted but that’s a different story.
Teenagers need their fathers AND mothers to be present. They need their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends as well. They need to know they’re not alone as they learn how to be a human. We are literally born naked, peeing/pooping on ourselves, and unable to feed ourselves. It’s amazing that by the time we are 18, just 18 years after birth, we are thought to be able to live the next 70+ years of our lives on our own & make the right choices all of the time. We can’t.
I was that teenager who made all of the mistakes I should have made at home in my adult life. I trusted the wrong people. I drank too much. I slept too much. I went out too much. I ate too little or too much. I got bad grades. I had to find my way in my adult years. Let your teens learn under your roof. Look in the mirror. If you’re holding them to a standard that is higher than what you hold yourself to then YOU are the problem. Not them.
“Too many adults wish to ‘protect’ teenagers when they should be stimulating them to read of life as it is lived.”
― Margaret A. Edwards
Mess Hall Mom 